Okay, so apparently Rich Johnston hasn’t went away just because I’ve been ignoring him - who knew?!
Yesterday Johnston posted a story claiming that Nick Spencer and Beckey Cloonan’s Victor Von Doom miniseries had been cancelled because Cloonan hadn’t sent in any interior artwork. Then, later on in the day, the post and its attendant comments thread were deleted and replaced with this hot bit of nothing.
Now. Rich Johnston has always been unreasonably nice to me, while I have been nothing but a dick to him in return, but honestly - if you saw a man scooping up dogshit off the pavement, sliding it into shiny wrappers and then selling it to children, you wouldn’t feel the need to be polite to him, would you? I mean, he could offer to burn you a copy of that old Peel session you’ve always wanted to hear, but you’ve got the internet now so there’s no need to lose your dignity over such small treasures.
You might think I’m being hyperbolic here, but seriously Rich Johnston is what we call a DOGSHIT JON.
I know that statement probably raises more questions than it answers, but don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!
WHEN IS A DOGSHIT JON?
Have you ever read some real dogshit writing that’s so bad it makes you feel like your eyeballs are unclean? Well, sometimes, maybe you’re reading a blog, maybe it’s a book, maybe (often) it’s a newspaper article, but sometimes you read writing so double dirty dogshit bad that you stop seeing the text in brown and you start seeing it in neon. Like, one minute you’re goggling some shitty biscuits, the next it’s like you’re looking at a giant pink neon sign flashing the words DOGSHIT JON, bold as anything, so bright you can’t ignore it. And it keeps going - DOGSHIT JON PRESENTS: MORE DOGSHIT, and so fucking on and so fucking forth! We’re talking a Police Academy level of sequels here!
HOW IS A DOGSHIT JON?
Once you let the guy in, it’s hard to get rid of him. That’s when you start imagining the motherfucker on all fours, hoovering up stale white dogshit in an underpass. It’s tragic, but sometimes it’s hard not to laugh.
Seriously, this is what Rich Johnston does - he hoovers up shit in the hope of turning it into hits. I’m all for the idea of genuine investigative journalism in the comic book field, but how can Johnson claim to be doing that when he’s happy to print the most obvious cowardly, ass-covering, company line bullshit?
The Cloonan/Spencer Doom story seems to me to be further evidence that Rich “DOGSHIT” Johnston will print any old gossip that lands in his inbox. After all, if his information was as good as he says it was, wouldn’t it make sense to keep the original piece up there with a brief update or correction at the end rather than just deleting the whole thing? Well, maybe it would if you were an actual journalist rather than a shit sucking DOGSHIT JON motherfucker.
Don’t get me wrong, like the proverbial broken clock Johnston is still right twice a day, but more often than not he’s as wrong as you can be without giving a hint that you’re doing it on purpose.
I’d say that Rich should just stick to posting vapid nonsense about what comics creators get up to at the weekend, but even there his antics are often annoying enough to require redaction, so what hope has he got?
WHY IS A DOGSHIT JON?
Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet? Why did Judas rat to Romans while Jesus slept? Science can answer some of these questions, while others are best meditated over while listening to the Wu-Tang Clan, but neither science nor the Wu have yet come up with an explanation for Johnston and his fellow DOGSHIT merchants.
YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT, RIGHT?